


EPIC QUEST OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

by LawOfGroovity



Category: Original Work
Genre: Action/Adventure, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 04:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6141709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LawOfGroovity/pseuds/LawOfGroovity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is how I have always envisioned my adventures in any rpg and is what I believe my best quest could ever be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	EPIC QUEST OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

Narrator: Once upon a time… man that is boring… okay, okay, I got it this time! There once was an adventurer that went on an epic journey of epic proportions, cause ya know… 

He was bored or something… 

Adventurer: His name perhaps?

Narrator: Hold on, I was getting there! And who said you’re a he?

Adventurer: Me, that’s who! I ain’t no chick bro! Although… 

Narrator: No no no, you’re right, definitely a dude. Okay, now this adventurer, let’s call him Tom th-

Tom: Really, “Tom”?

Narrator: Okay then, how about you name yourself, see how you like it!

Tom: Okay then… how… about… Brolix the Great!

Narrator: … Well it’s your name I guess… Anywho, Brolix the Great set out on a quest against an ancient evil that had cursed his land for many generations. He set out to slay the great Frozen Elder Dragon of Nimad, who has taken many a-

Brolix: Whoa man, how about I take on something a bit more easy?

Narrator: Okay, how about a flock of very angry demon chickens that breathe lightning then, you pansy?

Brolix: Very funny, I was thinking more of a “Minotaur’s Labyrinth” sort of thing. But instead of a Minotaur, I have to fight- 

Narrator: A gathering of ancient monks that are black belts in tae kwon do and all martial arts styles?

Brolix: More like a griffin, mixed with a chimera, which can breathe fire and LIGHTNING!!

Narrator: Okay pal, calm down before you “pass out”. Now where was I… AH, so he set off to slay the cursed abomination of nature, known only as... Xalion! The fiercest griffin and chimera half breed ever to walk the face of the lands of Galiros. Men had tried to claim Xalion’s head as a prize many a time, but none had even come close. But Brolix the Great was not worried at all! He with his average sized muscles, and charisma that could scare the stink off of a skunk. His natural sce-

Brolix: Hold your horses there buddy! “Average sized muscles” and “Charisma that could scare the stink off of a skunk”? Just what kind of story are you narrating anyways? This is supposed to be about how I go and sl-

Narrator: WHOA! Don’t get ahead of yourself and ruin the story for everyone!! That’s what they came here for man! Fine lemme rephrase my previous statements. He with his chest chiseled by the gods and his charisma could attract women for miles and turn straight men gay! He knew he was prepared, so he gathered his Gargoth Armor and headed off to the east (supposed to be west) and off towards his fate!

Brolix: Now we are getting somewhe… where is my map? And my Ralius infused Great sword of Flames? And I will need my Kalix stone so I can see!  
Narrator: Right after he ran back home to grab his map and Greatsword of whatever…

Brolix: Thanks, so where am I off to first?

Narrator: Okay, so I suppose I should have you go straight to Xalion right?

Brolix: Would you seriously?

Narrator: Of course not! What kind of narrator would I be if I did that? So the first stop he had to make was to an ancient temple on the edge of the Great Marshlands of Alr-Kazur. 

Brolix looked over his map to find the location of the… OH WAIT DON-

Brolix: …Why am I going the wrong way?

Narrator: Ummmmm… surprise?

Brolix: Fix. It.

Narrator: Alright fine, with our hero heading west towards Xalion’s Lair, on the peak of Mt. Treso, he must make the trek across the Desert of Ever Changing Currents. With his sand mask ready and his many quarts of water (mead) at the ready he made the long arduous journey to the Desert. But as he did, many hardships befell him. The worst of which was a massive sandstorm heading his way, so our hero decided to take shelter in what appeared to be the Ruins of Twalrixius, The most powerful ancient civilization of, wait for it… Aliens.

Brolix: I have heard of these ruins. They say that the people had an ancient black magic that could raise the dead to defend th- *RRRRUUUUGGGGHHHHAAAAA* oh… crap…

Narrator: Just a noise from the darkness, a hand creeping around the corner, the light from his Kalix stone flickering off of the horrid, grotesque face of an undead being. Standing at seven feet tall, with sword in hand ready to strike poor Brolix down, when…!

Brolix: Not today you fugly mummified scum! *Cuts head off * Oh for the love of Remoron, that is nasty!!! No one told me about that… uuuuugggghhhhhh… and the smell of burning decayed flesh, ugh I think I might be sick…

Narrator: Okay drama queen, let’s continue shall we?

Brolix: Y-Yea alright… I wanna find some loot.

Narrator: Remember…

Together: “What isn’t bolted to the floor,is fair game!”

Brolix: Hey could you go ahead and throw in a big, badass creature for me to fight as well? I need a good fight.

Narrator: Way ahead of you! As Brolix sliced and looted his way through the ruins, he heard a deep, guttural roar from deep in the tomb. This only got his blood flowing, and he fought harder to get to the beast. He arrived in a massive room about the size of a giant to the ceiling and the same from wall to wall-

Brolix: Are we talking Ichtion giant or a Furtsion giant?

Narrator: Um…… How about a Furtsion giant, so this was truly a massive room. As he was “observing the artwork” of an ancient civilization, he strolled out to the middle of the room. Before long he found himself falling through the floor and into a room below. The Kalix crystal tied around his waist fell off and rolled to the other side of the room, and to the underside of a massive Minotaur. As our hero got off his ass, still stinging from the fall, and probably with many broken vertibrae, he ducks, just missing a swing from the Minotaur’s axe. He got up drew his sword and waited for the next swing, which came as a surprise when it hit him in the side, almost knocking the wind out of him. He got up, readied his sword and charged. Alas, it was to no avail. The Minotaur grabbed him and tossed him aside like a wet noodle. He smashed into a wall with such force to knock him unconscious. Helpless to do anything, his limp body laid there while the Minotaur prepared the final blow, and-

Brolix: Then my powers of Awesome showed as I got up and shanked the beast in his spleen, thus killing him for good!

Narrator: Hey! This is MY story! So butt out for a second!

Minotaur: Can I get a say in this?

Narrator: NO!

Brolix: How about HELL NO!!! And I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing! I am the main character, and I’m a badass! And besides, you were gonna let me die.

Narrator: No… I wasn’t… Mabey... Now where was I… AH! Yes, He quickly made sure the Minotaur was dead with a few quick jabs to the skull. After he was satisfied with the results, he strolled over to where his crystal was, picked it up, reattached it, and made his way to the next room. Cautiously, he made his way to through the next room, avoiding traps, and murdering the local Twalrixians, and of course relieving them of their gold and weapons.

Brolix: Hey man, they knew how to make a fine sword!

Narrator: Anyways… He made it through all that to the tomb of Waigos, The Lord of the Twalrixians! He had ammas-

Brolix: HOLY ****, LOOK AT ALL THAT TREASURE!!!!!! I call dibs!

Narrator: Yes, he had amassed quite a bounty of booty-

Brolix: Heh, booty!

Narrator: Yes, a bunch of gold, swords, jewels, armor, all sorts of whatnot. But above all he had a pri-

Brolix: And this helmet looks so ornate, yet there is not a single scratch on it, and it’s gotta be ridiculously old. This thing makes my helmet look like it was made from the hide of  
a common ox rather than a skull from a troll. So… MINE!!!!

Narrator: Just as long as you don’t put it on you shoul- *RRRRUUUUGGGGHHHHAAAAA* I mean really! You need to listen to me; you do realize I am making the entire story!

Brolix: Calm your ghostly tits; I knew about the curse of Waigos, that’s why I put on the helmet- *BAM BAM BAM* Well look who came out to play!

Waigos: Helmet… Give… Me… NOW!!

Brolix: Yea alright- *pulls out sword* but you gotta fight me for it!

Narrator: Fine, forget about me then, I’ll come back after he is dead then, I need a drink…

Brolix: Okay! *blocks an attack* We’ll be right here!

Waigos: Why… Not… Give… Helmet…?!?

Brolix: Well, I looted it fair and square.

Waigos: Me… Make… Helmet…

Brolix: So!?! *blocks an attack* It’s mine now!

Waigos: No… It… MINE!!! *swings*

Brolix: *duck* Alright now I got yo- *swings and is hit by Waigos* …

Waigos: Got… You…!

Brolix: *gurgle* Not… Today…! *heal spell*

Waigos: How… Do… Magic…?

Brolix: It is not magic, but the power of the god Brillous, the god of healing!

Waigos You… Worship… Lord Brillous…?

Brolix: Ummm… Yea, why?

Waigos: *kneel* I follow… You of Lord Brillious.

Narrator: Alright I’m ba-... Seriously? All that hype and you didn’t kill him?

Brolix: Yea, we’re good now, turns out he thinks I’m a prophet of Brillious. So Waigos, you wanna help me kill Xalion?

Waigos: Yes… What Xalion…?

Narrator: Well, Xalion is a beastly mixture of a chimera and a griffon, standing at fifty feet in height and about a hundred feet long. He roams the lands Mt. Treso, and he will (possibly) be slain by none other than-

Brolix: ME, Brolix THE GREAT, THE SLAYER OF DRAGONS, FELLER OF GIANTS, AND THE BEST BACHELOR THIS SIDE OF THE OLACHE SEA!!!!

Narrator: “Slayer of Dragons,” my right ass cheek… 

Waigos: Ah… Now understand… So bad half-breed…?

Brolix: Yes, and he… actually I know it’s a little late, but pause.* Pause noise* why do I want to kill Xalion?

Narrator: Oh… Right… Well, He stole your sweetroll, put an arrow in your favorite knee and he stole your girlfriend…

Brolix: Hmmmm… How the hell did I forget all that? So what do you say Waigos? Ya wanna help me kill a chimera-griffon half-breed?

Waigos: Of course… My master…

Brolix: Look man, friends, only master in the view of women.

Narrator: And with a new “friendship” formed, the two set off for the lair of Xalion. They FINALLY made it out of the tomb-

Brolix: Could have been out faster without the pit of snakes!!!

Narrator: And they continued through the desert, and onwards toward The Forest of Kailix-Hir. The forest is home to many a creature; rabbits, deer, oxen, snakes, Gali’s (a puma like creature, but with saber teeth), and the occasional possessed tree! The trees there are rumored to be at least a hundred or so feet tall and just imagine that becoming possessed. None of this goofy little sapling or weeping willow tree crap, but a massive redwood! Yes this truly is Brolix’s EPIC QUEST OF EPIC PROPORTION! As the two made their way out of the desert and towards the forest, they heard a rustling, but nothing could be done as Brolix hit the ground! Waigos starts to move to help him but starts to feel a little woozy before hitting the ground himself. The two awaken, bound to a tree, as some lesser fire spirits dance about in what looks like a ritual to a sort of sun god.

Brolix: What the… Oh man… my head's killing me… And what in the name of Thorus are those things!?!

Waigos: They spirits… Those worship him… Sun god Isolus… He powerful and not kind to… humans

Brolix: Well then… this sucks…

Waigos: You cannot touch… They immune… To you weapon…

Brolix: Okay now that’s not fair, NARRATOR!!!!!!!

Narrator: Chill, I got this! And as the men continued their pointless banter, the spirits continued to prepare the ritual for the men. They looked helplessly as nothing could be done  
to stop the spirits. The spirits reached out, ready to grab the souls from the chests of our hero’s. The men just stood th-

Waigos: Don’t worry… I save us…! *Casts a frost-based spell*

Narrator: Alright, **** me then guys… 

Brolix: Wait, hold on. You can harm them but I can’t!?! Explain now!

Waigos: I use magic… You use sword…

Brolix: Yea, yea… *continues to mumble to himself*

Waigos: Now let’s escape… Give sword me…

Brolix: Okay lemme try grab it…

Waigos: Or I grab… I closer…

Brolix: Hey man…zombie…thing… relax, I got this… just… a … little… further…

Waigos: I grab… With feet… *grabs*

Brolix: Okay, okay so you are much more flexible, but that doesn’t mean you’re more awesome!

Narrator: Actually…

Brolix: Not… A… Word…

Narrator: But he can use a sword! WITH. HIS. FEET.

Brolix: I will find you narrator, and I will cut you…

Narrator: Geez… relax man…

Waigos: So I cut free now…?

Brolix: Fine… *Waigos cuts free*

Waigos: Why sad…?

Brolix: Because for that instance you may have just possibly for a hair of a second been more badass than me, that’s why…

Waigos: Sorry…?

Brolix: Whatever, we still have a monster to slay, so let’s get to it!

Narrator: My turn yet? I’m getting really bored here waiting for you two.

Brolix: Sorry mam! Please, continue.

Narrator: Thank you, sir (*under breath* jackass). Now as our two hero’s continued on their way they ran into The Great Marshlands of Alr-Kazar, which as of rece-

Brolix: Hold on! Isn’t that the other way? Did you forget to turn me around and had me goin the same way!?! If you… I will cut you so hard that-

Narrator: No, no, no, that was the marshlands of Alr-Kazur. Go ahead, look at your map and tell me I’m wrong.

Brolix: *looks at map* Okay, fine I’m wrong and you’re right…

Narrator: Damn skippy! Now, the recent necromantic activity in the swamp had raised a number of skeletal remains from their slumber under the sludge and slime of the swamp. Luckily for Brolix, these were something he could cut-

Brolix: HELL YEA!!!

Narrator: But not loot-

Brolix: … I… Hate… You… So… Much…

Waigos: Sadness…

Narrator: Yea well get used to it! Those skeletons don’t exactly have pockets on them now do they?

Brolix: But still, they could have at least something useful!!

Narrator: No they couldn’t, they are SKELETONS!!!! They use their own arms for weapons if they need to, and believe me they do!

Brolix: Whatever… Let’s go Waigos

Waigos: Okay Brolix…

Narrator: As the terrible twins-

Brolix: Ahem…!

Narrator: As our fated pair made their way through the swamp towards the edge they encountered many horrid creatures such as swamp trolls and ogres and of course the-

Brolix: WHAT IN THE NAME OF QUASIO IS THAT!?!

Waigos: I recognize…! He dragon almost slayed me…! He Fralix…!

Brolix: And he looks like he remembers you!

Fralix: Waigos! It has been too long! And look at that meat shield!

Brolix: Up yours ugly!

Waigos: Fralix… Looks like gain few pounds…!

Fralix: And you look like the worst thing to have walked out of the crypt in which I left you in. Oh, and don’t worry about me friend, just give me a second… *begins to regenerate  
flesh-like form*

Waigos: Brolix we must… Brolix…?

Brolix: ………

Waigos: Brolix…? Brolix…!

Fralix: *finished forming flesh* He cannot hear you! I have frozen us outside of this time zone so we aren’t interrupted!

Waigos: I should… killed you…!

Narrator: Outside the temporal rift!

Brolix: Ummm… So narrator, what is going on?

Narrator: Well, Fralix used his powers to control the time and space around him and Waigos to ensure a “fitting defeat” for Waigos. So cliché…

Brolix: And more I couldn’t care about if I tried. So what do I get to kill while I’m out here, huh bub?

Narrator: Nothing. You get to sit there and just wait for him to finish in there!

Brolix: ……… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Yes! It’s about time that Waigos did something on his own anyways.

Brolix: You gotta give me something to do now! I’m gonna get sooooooo bored!

Narrator: Actually no I don’t, and besides the story up to this point has been about you and your quest. So buck up!

Brolix: Fine…

Narrator: And finally into the time vortex created by Fralix!

Fralix: It’s about time!

Narrator: Sorry, Brolix is kinda hard to deal with…

Waigos: Understand… He stubborn…

Fralix: And speaking of not wanting to die…!

Waigos: I say stubborn… Not want live…

Fralix: But my old friend you are the stubborn one here!

Waigos: *begins to channel magic* So I… End it…!

Fralix: Hah! Last time you just barely survived, and that was only beca- *Waigos sends a fireball at Fralix* Hey!?! I was in the mid- *Waigos sends another*

Waigos: I know…

Fralix: Oh you cold hearted zombie, you will die this time!!!! *Fire breath*

Waigos: *Rolls out of the way* Come now… You not weak…

Fralix: Well how about you just HOLD STILL!!!!!

Narrator: Outside the temporal rift!

Brolix: KILL ME!!!!!!

Narrator: NO!

Brolix: Please!!! There is nothing to do out here!!!!!

Narrator: Can you really not stand to just do nothing?

Brolix: I am an action man and I need to get my work done! But I can’t if there is nothing to KILL!!!!

Narrator: Well too bad! This is Waigos’ time to shine!

Brolix: But I am The main character!!!

Narrator: Inside the tempo-

Brolix: NO! No, you are not cutting me of-

Narrator: An as Brolix screamed to himself, he caught a nasty disease only found in that specific spot of the swamp that caused his throat to close temporarily! Thus, giving 

Waigos time to kill Fralix!

Brolix: Wait… wha-… *gurgles then falls over*

Narrator: Now we can get back to Waigos!

Waigos: Finally…

Fralix: Indeed, I was getting tired of waiting to eat him!

Waigos: Never…!

Narrator: And as the two fought over who walked away victorious, Waigos proved to Fralix that he indeed was the better warrior! But Fralix pulled a dirty trick on the old warrior king, and hung him upside down with his tail. Waigos, realizing that he had little to do made a desperate attempt to break free by burning Fralix’s tail off. To no avail, Waigos gave up. Fralix opened his mouth wide, raised Waigos above his head and let him go. Just then, Waigos channeled all of his mana into one spell as he fell.. Fralix, having no time to do a thing about this, let out a roar of pain as waigos blew him in two with a massive explosion.. When Fralix was confirmably dead, (with a few stabs to the guts, and I think the liver...) then Waigos walked out with a smile (I think) of pride.

Waigos: Not moment soon… Brolix…?

Narrator: Oh, right. Ahem… And as Waigos walked out, Brolix coughed up an insect that had been choking him for some time.

Brolix: *GASP* HOLY… S**T… Heh, that really hurt. And I thought I had a “rare disease only found here” or some crap like that?

Narrator: Well now, why would you think that?

Brolix: Because you said so!!!!

Narrator: Why, I would never do such a thing!

Brolix: You little… Nevermind…. Just… I hate you…

Narrator: Love you too. As The two continued through the swamp, Waigos felt a certain feeling of pride rise in his chest. The knowledge that his greatest enemy is dead filled him  
a surreal joy. He continued with Brolix, a new-found sense of renewal. But as our fated pair made their way out of the marshlands, They made their way towards the Castle Vargashte, a very old castle sitting atop a hill for many decades. There, deep beneath the castle, lies the corpse of the gre-

Waigos: NO…! No undead… I only undead…!

Narrator: Geez, fine be that way! There lies… wait for it… wait for it… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

Brolix: Really… a whole lot of nothing? You, sir, can go SHOVE A*edited out for the purpose of the readers* WITH A HOG!

Narrator: ummm… Wow… That was the most graphic usage of words that I have ever had the mispleasure of having roll past my ears…

Brolix: Damn skippy!!! Now give us something to fi-

Narrator: And as Brolix accepted that there was nothing to be had in the castle grudgingly, he and Waigos made their way up the castle. It was a grand old structure, carved right  
into the face of a massive mountain. The castle, though completely void of life, was the hub of many a magic scholars end. Henceforth, the souls of these travelers have been trapped here and though of no threat to the travelers that visit, the magic stored in them has been released and is thundering through the castle. As the two entered the castle, the torches sparked to life and illuminated the room they were in. Brolix, Leading the way-

Brolix: Damn straight!

Narrator: Right into the basement of the castle and towards the exit. The two were very confused as they walked out of there without encountering a si-

Brolix: Then, BAM! Werewolf wanting a fight!

Narrator: NO! No werewolf, absolutely nothing! Just no NOTHING for this castle, it is just a dead castle that is sitting alone atop a hill that is infested by magic!

Brolix: Okay then. how about magic sprites?

Narrator: No…

Brolix: Okay then , Spirits?

Narrator: No…

Brolix: Zombies?

Narrator: No…

Brolix: Mummies? Vampires? Goblins and Ghouls?

Narrator: No, no, no and no!

Brolix: Dragon?

Narrator: NO!!!!!

Brolix: …fine… But this whole power struggle thing is getting boring!

Narrator: What power struggle? I’m the Narrator, you aren’t, so can it! Ahem, so after the most boring castle in the history of Brolix, the two made their way towards The Lair of  
Xalion, the cursed beast that took so much from Brolix the Great! The two caught sight of the mountain and decided to run, almost off a cliff!

Brolix: Alright smart ass, now how in the hell do we get across?

Waigos: Well… I levitate us…?

Brolix: Of course he can… Of… F****ng… Course… CAN I GET SOME POWERS HERE!!!!!!

Narrator: Well… You do have the powers of Awesome!

Brolix: Hmmmm…. Yea not buying your shit!

Narrator: Trust me man, you will like this power!

Brolix: I swear on my life if it is stupid I will find you and cut you.

Narrator: Okay! And as the two tried to discover a way to get across the chasm, everything suddenly when black. We join our heros in a cave, hanging upside down. Waigos wakes  
first to find a strange man slouching over a pot of only Halio knows what. He looks around, but can’t find Brolix anywhere. So he asks the “person” near the pot.

????: CAULDRON!!!!!

Narrator: Geez, calm down…

Waigos: You… Brolix…?

????: Not in the slightest mine undead comrade! I am a very successful necromancer aroun-

Brolix?: HEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEE!!!

????: Hush up you! It’ll be your turn soon enough! But first I must have your comrade… warm up to me!

Waigos: You… Evil man… You die…!

????: Oh, but you can’t move and your friend is locked up back there-

Brolix: I WILL KILL YOU WITH A PASSION OF THAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS!

????: And you will be the first to taste the sweet, sweet sting of my polituce!

Waigos: Who you…?

????: Oh yea… Forgot that didn’t I! Well… Lets just that I am Calisor, The Necromancer!

Waigos: Oh… You…

Calisor: Yes, me! Now taste my delicious juice!

Brolix: PHRASING!

Calisor: I swear I will kill you! But after my precious zombie here gets a taste of my sweet juices!

Brolix: SERIOUSLY, PHRASING!!!!

Waigos: Shut up… *force-fed polituce*

Calisor: *cuts Waigos loose* Now arise my Dread Zombie!!

Waigos: Master… I follow… 

Brolix: Okay you two queers, what the hell are you doing there?

Calisor: I was just preparing your friend to… Fight to the death with you!

Brolix: PHRA- Wait… there is no sexual innuendo in that… Oh s**t…

Calisor: Come on out Brolix, your friend is just dying to meet you!

Waigos: *RRRRUUUUGGGGHHHHAAAAA*

Brolix: Oh crap baskets!

Narrator: Can Brolix do it? Can he slay his best friend to save his own life? Can he slay the dastardly and fabulous necromancer? Can he get to the top of the Mt. Treso and get through the maze to Xalion? But really, can he?

Brolix: Well, to most of that is a yes, but to kill my “zombie-companion”, I don’t think I could do that…

Narrator: I’ll pay you!

Brolix: How much?

Calisor: Are you really willing to give up the life of your friend for just a measly amount of gold? You truly are the worst partner in this relationship!

Brolix: PHRASING! And again, how much?!?!?

Narrator: How about 20 gold?

Brolix: *pulls out sword* Deal! *swings at Waigos*

Waigos: Kill… Must… KILL… *swings backs at Brolix*

Brolix: *dodges* Oh come on zombie! You are so much better than that!!!

Waigos: Hold… Will Kill… *slashes at Brolix, then stabs at Brolix*

Brolix: That’s what I was waiting for! *Expertly dodges and stabs Waigos in the side, killing him instantly* Alright, now that that’s done, *grabs Calisor* bring him back asshole!

Calisor: You clever little boy… Alright fine, I’ll bring back your partner. But be warn- *Brolix slaps him* B***h! What was tha- *Brolix slaps him again* Okay fine! I won’t bring your  
fri- *Brolix punches him in the gut*

Brolix: Okay look, this is getting really old and my hand is starting to cramp. So, how about you just just get off the floor and revive my friend, okay? Does that sound like a deal?

Calisor: Hate… you… with… my… all…

Brolix: Oh come on now! *kicks Calisor in the stomach* So get up! *picks Calisor up and throws him towards Waigos’ body* Now, bring… him… BACK…! *pulls out sword*

Calisor: Hey now! No reason to whip out that big thing! I guess I’ll bring him back, don’t get your panties in a knot!

Brolix: And no longer under your control! I don’t want to have to deal with any of that “You’re just going to keep killing him again and again until you just pass out and die from  
exhaustion” bullshit…

Calisor: Not leaving me much room are you now big guy? Huh, Fine… Whatever you command of me, my Master!

Brolix: Okay, no. A, I just met you and B, My only Friend is Waigos!

Calisor: So you two seem to have such a “close” relationship…?

Brolix: NO! Anywho, bring him back!

Calisor: Alright *revives Waigos* The dirty deed is redone!

Waigos: … Brolix…? What happen…? My side hurt…

Brolix: Nice to have you back!

Waigos: Wait… You stab me…?!?

Brolix: Yea, real nice… Yes I stabbed you. Had to too save you from the grasp of the necr- WHERE THE HELL IS HE!?!?!

Waigos: Who…?

Narrator: Well there was a necromancer here, but he seems to have buggered off while you two had that adorable little reuniting chat there! Oh , and he is on his way to Xalion.  
Seems they had more in common than I planned to let them have… Must have been when I was paying attention to you guys…

Brolix: Yea well, we hate you to. And what do you mean they have “more in common than you hoped”?

Narrator: Well, see… My original plan was to drop off Calisor and to get him to Respect Xalion like a god of some sorts, but it seems that he found that he was very frei- Oh dear… That looks really bad!

Brolix: What? Does Xalion have some sort of armor or something like that?

Narrator: Look, you just need to see for yourselves. Oh, And once you do this, there is no going back for ANYTHING, you hear me Brolix? ANYTHING!

Brolix: I have just one thing to say, and I believe that Waigos knows what I’m talking about!

Waigos: Nope…

Brolix: Well then Waigos… I want to do all that again in one long ass montage!!!!

Narrator: …

Waigos: …

Narrator: Fine, just… Just go…

Brolix: *little girl screech* YAY!

Narrator: And as our hero has his little adventure going back to the beginning, feel free to join him! But if you are smart, please stay here to join me for a little Story Time! This is  
the story of a man by the name Grognak the Barbarian. This man of true legends, this man created by the gods, this man who was a true woman magnet, saved us in our time of greatest need! The time when the Daedra invaded from the Realm of Oblivion! He valiantly fought against their evil clutches and forced his way towards their gates, and went right on through like he was the frickin V.I.P. But the day he faced his greatest trial, he didn’t go it alone! He went right on in with his fellow companion Martin Septim! And they went to it, and drove those evil cretans right back to hell! You see what I’m trying to say right? You can’t just go willy nilly all throughout place b-

Brolix: Okay I’m back!

Narrator: Wait what…? That was fast…

Brolix: Well I did remember everything from the first go-through, so what did you expect? Me to take a whole hell-of-a long time, thus giving you enough time to tell a short story  
that revealed the moral of this tale?

Narrator: … Yes…

Brolix: Well to bad! The readers will have to wait until after my HEROIC AND TOTALLY EGO FILLED CLIMAX WITH XALION!!!!!!

Calisor: Oh my!

Brolix: WHERE IS HE!?!?!

Calisor: Crap! *Buggers off*

Brolix: So where were me and my awesome?

Waigos: Yes… Much ego…

Brolix: Seriously Narrator, I don’t remember where we were.

Narrator: Really,fine… And the two, back from their incredible journey-

Brolix: Twice the loot!

Waigos: Twice ego…

Narrator: They FINALLY made their way up the rest of the mountain and towards Xalion’s Lair! Where Calisor was waiting with Xalion, plenty aware that the final battle had come at  
last!

Xalion: Greetings to you my new playthings. As I have been well informed of you two, I shall end your miserable lives! Any words before hand?

Brolix: Yes, actually, many. My name is Brolix the Great, and this is my companion Waigos! And by the end of the battle I will have both of you *pulls out sword* Crying like a b***h!

Calisor: You see! I told you he was an awful man! All he thinks about is killing and looting!

Brolix: Oh, Calisor!

Calisor: Yes…?

Brolix: You owe me one corpse and a lot of loot! *points sword at Xalion* But after I kill this overgrown Beast of Nature!

Xalion: Oh I do so love food with spirit! Now hold still so I can feast on you without much effort!

Brolix: I am not giving any of my mead! *prepares for battle* Bring it!

Waigos: I get Necromage… He use me kill you… I do same to him… *Channels magic*

Calisor: Oh come my undead beauty! No need for such violence!

Brolix: Can’t believe something so powerful would befriend that…

Xalion: Well I am up here alone with none to talk to, so what are you going to do?

Brolix: Speaking of “doing”, Where is my girl!?!

Xalion: Oh, her… She moved out a while ago… Almost got ‘er dead but someone shot me…

Calisor: And I nursed him back to health!

Xalion: Costume and all… Ehhhhhh…

Brolix: Sorry to hear that but- *lunges at Xalion* Don’t worry, soon you won’t remember a thing!

Waigos: *runs after Calisor* Now you die…!

Xalion: *jumps out of the way then exhales ice shards*

Brolix: Okay, time! *Pause sound* Narrator what the hell?!?

Narrator: Mgphmrugph…

Brolix: What?

Narrator: *swallows popcorn* I said, “Sorry I thought this was going to be bad, so I gave him ice.”

Brolix: Hmmmm… Yea, that doesn’t make sense.

Narrator: Well see, you have a sword of fire so i figured i’d make it so you could at least somewhat fight him.

Brolix: Okay, still kinda a dick move… But I’ll allow it. *unpause*

Xalion: *lunging at Brolix* You are mine now!!! *pins down Brolix* Now I ha- OWWWWWWWWW!

Brolix: Thats right! *Xalion lifts off paw* Nom-Nom to the Paw-Paw! Now hold still so I can cut you!

Waigos: *in the background* I kill…! Hold still…!

Brolix: Waigos, catch and finish his ass so he can’t revive Xalion once I end him!

Xalion: Hah! Hah! Funny! I have a question for you Brolix!

Brolix: And that would be?

Xalion: DIE!!!

Brolix: That’s not a que- *Xalion slashes at Brolix*

Xalion: Exactly, I don’t do questions!

Narrator: The two bravely fought each other clashing again and again in fierce mortal combat. The skill of these two great adversaries would have made women cry, men be rather  
“pleased”, and the faintest of warriors bow down in unworthiness. The fight was something of a legend! And of course there was Waigos and Calisor dancing around in the background there…

Waigos: I… No… Dance…

Calisor: Why, thank you so much for noticing my beautiful repertoire of fluent movements!

Narrator: Yea, sure… Anyways, the two fatebound warriors fought their ever glor… THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING!?!?!?!?!?!

Brolix: Ya ever heard of “Go fish”? By the way, any nines?

Xalion: Damn you psychic asshole!

Narrator: … I give up… I just fucking give up… You win Brolix!

Brolix: I’ll take that twenty bucks right now thank you!

Xalion: Umm… excuse me but what’s going on here?

Brolix: Well, me and the Narrator here had a bet. If he could cause me to die by the end of the story, then I do whatever he says for a week; but, if I could make him so frustrated that he quits, he gives me twenty bucks!

Xalion: …

Waigos: …

Calisor: …

Xalion: Really? So what, we were just part of your guys fucked up bet? The HELL man?!? Now I really do want to kill you! Get over here!

Calisor: I agree you are quite the massive dick, and I would know!

Brolix: Yes you would.

Waigos: So… We not… Friends…?

Brolix: Originally no-

Waigos: *Magic channels*

Brolix: BUT, after spending such a great adventure with you buddy, I have come to acknowledge you as an equal, and would certainly have you as an acquaintance!

Waigos: … What…?

Brolix: *tears up a little* COME HERE BUDDY! *Hugs Waigos with the manliest bear hug ever*

Calisor: And you said I was gay, it’s just the garish outfit though…

Brolix: Seriously? Just the robes?

Calisor: Yes it’s this shade of purple and the shoes just… Fuck you...

Brolix: Hey man old habbits die- *Sword passes through Brolix’s chest* -fu… ck…

Xalion: So I guess that twenty buck is mine now!

Narrator: … DUDE, THE FUCK MAN!?!

Xalion: What? I told ya I would kill him, so I did.

Narrator: But you… and the sword just… right through his… fuck…

Waigos: How.. Could.. You…

Calisor: Okay Xalion, he was an ass, but that may have been a bit much…

Xalion: Meh, worth it!

Waigos: You… Bring him… Back…?

Narrator: I dunno, he was kinda asking for it…

Calisor: And, well… I ain’t gonna do it, not even for another cold unfeeling partner…

Narrator: Well… That’s All Folks!

Xalion: Now about that twenty bucks… 

Narrator: Gotcha bitch!

Xalion: Whu- *stabbed*

Brolix: So we done here? *wipes off most of the blood* Damn, it! Stained my suit!

Calisor: Wait, what just happened?

Brolix: Ain’t you heard of my Powers of Awesome?

Calisor:I’m not buying this for a second, NARRATOR, EXPLAIN!

Narrator: It’s as he says, I gave him Powers of Awesome!

Calisor: By the gods you people give me a headache… So when we gonna come back and get him? *points at Xalion*

Waigos: Hopefully never, and damn the slow speech Narrator, That was a pain!

Narrator: Well SORRRRRRYYYY… Too bad! Great show though guys!

Brolix: Totally guys! But I need a drink.

Calisor: I’ll join you for that!

Waigos: I’ll catch up with you later guys, gotta call the wife…

Brolix: Dude, whipped with a capital WHIPSH!

Waigos: Oh shut up, least I’m Happy!

Brolix: Hey, I’m happy too asshole!

*Banter continues while they exit through the audience exits*

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys and gals feel like it I would love to get some feed back on this story, so feel free to comment about how I could improve it.


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